How to keep a friend

"The most important single ingredient to the formula of success is knowing how to get along with people." -Teddy Roosevelt. Every human on this planet will take a life time to master this skill, but we have a few favorite friendship tools for you and your loved ones.

This classroom attempts to take bite-size pieces of the puzzle that make up human connection and turn it into a family discussion! This classroom is especially for teens, but works for younger kids too in bite-size pieces. We always recommend you pop this on your TV with screen share and read together as a family. It may be beneficial to just take one tip per week or daily, as 9 is alot to digest in one day.

We are all in the "people business". The skills of networking, persuading, listening, engaging, and getting to know others are the factors that most determine and define our influence. The skills you will learn today can build your friendships. There are 9 main classroom themes:

1. Forgive and be forgiven

2. Seek to understand before being understood

3. Learn true empathy

4. Surround yourself with high energy values

5. Find balance with renewal zones

6. Healthy people do not attack

7. Step out of ego

8. Words carry energy

9. Brave and bold invites build circles

This classroom may take a day or two to get through! You could even take a whole week and focus on one tip per day.

Friendship Tip # 1: Forgive and be forgiven

The first step to getting along with people is being vulernable and being authentic that you are not perfect. To be authentic means being genuine, real, and true to your own personality, values, and beliefs, acting in alignment with your inner self rather than pretending or conforming to outside pressures.

Whether you are Christian or not, the following story is very useful for teaching the principle of friendship. The story goes of a woman who was gossiped about, and known for her imperfections. When she sat for dinner at a home that belonged to a Pharisee, she brought a very expensive bottle of oil. She cried in front of Jesus, kneeled down, washed the feet of Jesus with her tears, wiped them with her hair, kissed his feet, and anointed them with the ointment. She was worshipping the one who gave her peace. The Pharisee that hosted this dinner, disapproved of her actions, knowing how imperfect she was, and thought Jesus was wrong for letting an imperfect person do such a thing to his feet. She was expressing her gratitude to Jesus' mercy, and the pharisee thought she was unworthy and unrespectful to Jesus in this moment. After this sad moment, when the pharisee lost a table of friends, Jesus shares the following story, and it is one that has really stuck with me.

There was a certain creditor (kind of like a banker or investor) who had two men who owed the him money. One owed five hundred pence, and the other fifty pence. When they had nothing to pay, the banker frankly forgave them both. Then Jesus asked, "which of them will love him most?"

Simon knew the answer. It was the man who owed more money. Then Jesus said, "but to whoever little is forgiven, that person loveth little." All of us are imperfect and make mistakes in our relationships. We are always grateful for forgiveness after we apologize. We are always more grateful for that friend we apologized too if they forgive us. Don’t you think that we may even be more grateful than the others who never needed as much apology? Never underestimate the power of forgiveness. The reality is, all of us will need to say sorry and all of us will need to forgive in every relationship. Just imagine the friendship that Pharisee could have had with Jesus and his disciples if he had been more forgiving.

Each of us make mistakes and judge wrongfully sometimes. As we desire connection, we must remember that our shared human weakness is what connects us. We all are misunderstood at times and need to say our sorries. So let us be more forgiving! Forgive and be forgiven. This is foundational to any friendship. We all see the world differently, and we all don’t fully understand what each other is going through. It is so easy to mistakenly judge a situation, which is why forgiveness is so crucial. Which is why Jesus said:

God doesn’t measure our talents or our looks; He doesn’t measure our professions or our possessions. He cheers on every runner, calling out that the race is against sin, not against each other -Jeff Holland

Friendship Tip # 2: Seek to understand before being understood

In every relationship you have, there will be moments when you misunderstand each other. Watch this film for a great example.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0KOoolb9dFY

It is very important in friendship building to not make assumptions because we all see the world from a different angle. Imagine that we each see an elephant. Wherever we are in the world, is what we see. Some see the nose, others view a side of the elephant's belly, while others see the tail. Wherever you are in the world, you probably see the "elephant" differently. We must try to understand more of each other's view of the elephant in order to find the whole.

Your friend may see things a little bit differently than you. All of us could use a little more patience in those around us who see things differently, because often times, if we take a step back, we are still looking at the same elephant. What if your friend, who thinks differently than you, is not always wrong? What if she is looking at the same elephant you are, just in a different way? What if we are wrong to over-simplify our thoughts into "he is right and I am wrong" or "she is wrong and I am right." What if God knew we needed both perspectives? What if your perspective is not perfect?

The most famous man who ever lived on earth talked about this very thing:

Do not judge, so that you will not be judged. For by what judgment you judge, you will be judged, and by what measure you measure out, it will be measured out to you. And why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the beam of wood in your own eye? Or how will you say to your brother, ‘Allow me to remove the speck from your eye,’ and behold, the beam of wood is in your own eye? Hypocrite! First remove the beam of wood from your own eye and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye! - Jesus

Now I believe that there is a lot of mischief around this idea of judging. All of us need to make daily judgments everyday. In the same sermon that Jesus said not to judge, he also said "beware of wolves in sheep's clothing" which requires judging. So we all need to make judgments to keep us safe and make sure we are hanging out with people that are safe. But we don't need to make final judgments... that is God's job. It is valuable to judge others everyday so that we learn to surround ourselves with the right crowd, but it is not valuable to assume that you judge everyone's situations perfectly. Sometimes we need to seek to understand before we make judgements on things. It can help us replace thinking "what is deserved" with "what is needed." This also goes along with forgiving others and being merciful. It helps you step out of yourself & see what side of the elephant someone is standing by.

I heard a story once by Beckah Fink in Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul. A young man from a wealthy family was nearing his high school graduation. In their affluent neighborhood, it was customary for parents to gift a car to the graduate. Bill and his father had spent months searching for the right car, and a week before graduation, they found the perfect one. Bill was convinced that he would receive the car on graduation night. Imagine his disappointment when, on the eve of his graduation, Bill's father gave him a gift-wrapped Bible instead! Infuriated, Bill threw the Bible down and left the house. He and his father never saw each other again. It was only upon hearing of his father's death that Bill returned home. As he was sorting through his father's belongings one evening, he found the Bible his father had given him. After wiping off the dust, he opened it to discover a cashier's check, dated on his graduation day, for the exact amount of the car they had chosen. This young man did not seek to understand before being understood. He missed out on a whole life of relationship building with his own father, and with that Bible. Seek to understand, before being understood.

At times in your "peace-making" journey between friends, family and neighbors, there will be moments when your inner wisdom says to just listen to them; often when it is a family member who is taking a different road than you would. The tides of agency are real, and people want to choose their path. We can never force one to believe as we do. As we listen, we can perhaps, eventually, interject our own perspective if they are ready for it. But sometimes we want to share our side of things without knowing the full picture of how that person sees their "side of the elephant." Ignorance never works in friendship. But a true peacemaker will always start by finding and looking for common grounds.

To build great friendships and connections, find the intersection of what you both believe. -Katie Richardson

A famous book by Stephen Covey often calls this "think win-win" where you find solutions where everybody wins. This is essentially looking for a balance between peace keeping and peace making.

A key aspect of "win-win" thinking is to strive to understand others before seeking to be understood yourself. It involves being curious, open to learning, and having a growth mindset.  It involves meekness. Meekness is a good balance between being teachable and knowing how to teach. Jordan Peterson defines "meekness" from Matthew 5:5 not as weakness, but as having great power, capability, or aggression, yet choosing to keep it sheathed and under control. He argues that true meekness is a conscious choice of restraint rather than forced submission.  Meekness can help you as a peace maker and a peace keeper. A way to find alignment, is to become the listener who doesn't always share the "shoulds" and the "suppose to's." We all have moments where we need to judge the situation with a strong discernment of what is right and wrong, but we also have moments where we just need to be a sounding board for someone, knowing that friend in front of you already has the answer inside themselves. It never helps to project your worries on to a friend, in a world that is already full of fear.  Seeking to understand, before being understood is a great way for friends to calm their nerves together. Active listening really helps us build bridges of understanding, when we intentionally try not to interject our every fear in the conversation.

There are times when we are peace makers and there are times when we are peace keepers. What if there is a polarity to this, and life is not always black and white? Sometimes we need to be more honest than kind, and sometimes we may need to be more kind than honest! Sometimes you and your friend will disagree on something. Sometimes after you seek to understand, you just can't find a win/win. You may feel like speaking out for truth as boldly as Martin Luther King did. Sometimes what you see in front of you is clearly wrong, and you are the one to stand up for the light. Being a peacemaker sometimes means you are the one to "make" and create peace in a world that is not treating others fairly and looks more like bold declaration than quiet submission. Being a peacemaker is a Christlike attribute that always works best when you are living God's charitable virtues. Gary Stevenson, a devout Christian leader, says it best: "Peacemaking requires courage and compromise but does not require the sacrifice of principle. Peacemaking is to lead with an open heart, not a closed mind. It is to approach one another with extended hands, not clenched fists." Peacemaking can include building bridges of understanding. Yes, there will be moments when you absolutely need to stand up for your values. There is "making" peace and there is "keeping" the peace. If you only "keep the peace" around every corner of adversity, you are surrendering out of fear. Keeping the peace can be necessary in certain situations, but making peace can change the world! The peacegiver, Jesus Christ, is always going to be the solution, who can see around every corner and knows what everyone is really going through.

We need to love and do good to all. We need to avoid contention and be peacemakers in all our communications. This does not mean to compromise our principles and priorities, but to cease harshly attacking others for theirs. That is what our Perfect Role Model did in His ministry. That is the example He set for us, as He invited us to follow Him. -D. H. Oaks

I once heard a story about two men who had to work together on a day to day basis. One of them, we will call him Todd, truly could not stand to be around Frank. Todd was so distraught about having to work with him, that he went home to his wife and told her he just can't stand him and had no idea what to do about it. She said, why don't you go pray about it. Todd told God in prayer that night that he just could not align with Frank, and wanted to have nothing to do with him and it was really hard to make peace with the situation. That night, Todd had a dream. He literally woke up in the middle of the night after seeing Frank's childhood. He saw all the hard things Frank had to go through in his earlier years. Todd realized that even if this dream wasn't true, it felt like if that was something he had gone through, it would make sense why Frank was acting the way he did. So he "frankly" forgave Frank and decided that maybe his dream was a message to not judge what we do not know. Well the story gets even better... later, years after, Todd was working with a group of youth in the mountains, and Frank was in the same group. They happened to be sharing a tent, and one night, they both found themselves together in the tent. Todd remembered his dream, and thought to ask Frank a little more about his childhood. It turns out, that Todd's dream that he had about Frank was exactly what had happened to him! All this time, he never really had known if it was. But then he knew... God knows each of us. He knew exactly what Frank was going through. Knowing what people have gone through, and why they may see things the way they do, is something we can ask for in prayer. Someone does know exactly what you and your friends are going through. Put Jesus Christ in the middle of all of your relationships through prayer, and you will become expert peacemakers.

One tip for being understood, is that when the time comes for you to possibly share your perspective with a friend, share your intention from very beginning, be vulnerable.  Say, "I have something I want to talk to you about and I am nervous that it might trigger you... can we have an honest conversation that we can look at it together and we can problem solve together?  Are you open to that?"  If your friend immediately gets triggered... then say, "You know what... you must have had a long day, we can talk about it later."   If you share some of your hesitation or reservation, it will signal to them that you are not on attack! 

Friendship Tip # 3: Learn true empathy

Empathy is a great secret in friendship. We need to focus on being interested, not interesting. We should develop outward thinking, invest in people, and seek to serve. Did you know that you hold more power as a listener than you do as the one speaking? You can articulate yourself better when you hold in, listen, and then speak. Research on active listening (based on Carl Rogers’ work and later communication science) demonstrates that active, empathetic listening encourages speakers to disclose more information and feel understood, giving the listener leverage in shaping the direction and depth of the conversation. Or it just allows the listener to really see the other side of the elephant, gaining compassion in the process. And what does compassion do? It ends wars, something our world definitely needs.

We don’t always have to fix other people. We can just sit and be there next to them when they struggle. Sometimes we think we need to fix people or fix their solution. But a great truth is that we can just choose empathy, put a hand on their shoulder, and just sit and listen. There is so much power in just listening. The best way to understand empathy is to watch this incredible short film:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Evwgu369Jw

Friendship Tip # 4: Surround yourself with high energy values

The next part of friendship building is aligning our values with others who share the same values. This is the good type of judging, "beward of wolves in sheeps clothing" type of judging. The type that keeps you safe. This is where I say, make judgments around which friends are helping you feel like becoming a better person, and which friends tend to make you feel like lowering your standards. Stay close to those who inspire you to improve yourself, particularly during your youth. This is because, at a young age, your brain is more prone to developing habits than at any other stage of life.

Things that get in the way of friendship:

• fault-finding

• gossip

• pride & comparison

• poor communication skills

• no tools for unregulated emotion

• lack of self-assurance

• lack of patience with ourselves

• lack of trust

• inability to find common grounds

• values are not aligned

Clinging to our values, will help us become better friends as it helps us overcome many of these weaknesses listed above. The higher our values, the higher our standards for the type of people we want to hang around and the type of person we want to emulate. But why is this important?

"There is one responsibility which no man can evade: that responsibility is his personal influence. Man’s unconscious influence is the silent, subtle radiation of personality–the effect of his words and his actions on others. This radiation is tremendous. Every moment of life man is changing, to a degree, the life of the whole world.  Every man has an atmosphere which is affecting every other man. He cannot escape for one moment from this radiation of his character, this constant weakening or strengthening of others. Man cannot evade the responsibility by merely saying that it is an unconscious influence.  Man can select the qualities he would permit to be radiated. He can cultivate sweetness, calmness, trust, generosity, truth, justice, loyalty, nobility, and make them vitally active in his character. And by these qualities he will constantly affect the world. This radiation, to which I refer, comes from what a person really is, not from what he pretends to be. Every man by his mere living is radiating either sympathy, sorrow, morbidness, cynicism, or happiness and hope or any one of a hundred other qualities.  Life is a state of radiation and absorption. To exist is to radiate: to exist is to be the recipient of radiation." –David O. McKay, 27 April, 1948

The friends we connect with, give off energy states. We often become who we hang out with.

The secret is to find friends that align with the energy field you want around yourself. You can create a force field of strong connections in your life. In a way, you align yourself with either Darth Vader's troops or Yoda's. Your friends can either lower your energy to match theirs, or you can elevate them to your level, but that is more challenging. Alternatively, you can seek friends who radiate the energy states you desire, and naturally become more like them.

“May the force be with you.”

Check out the energy numbers of different states here:

Because nature seeks balance, the frequencies have to synchronize or they have to separate, according to Dr. Bradley of Emotion Code. One frequency or the other has to acclimate. Thats how nature seeks balance.  The Emotion Code teaches that emotions from the past can stay stuck in the body and that releasing them can help people feel better emotionally and physically. It also shows that if you hang out with people with high frequency values, you will naturally absorb that goodness. It will also help other people want to be around us.

Be the change you wish to see in the world. -Ghandi

Hawkins’ frequency based emotional states are similar to what science calls a healthy nervous system, which can be measured by heart-rate patterns. His idea of courage being at 200 also matches modern psychology, which shows that people do better when they are motivated from the inside, instead of by pressure from others.

Feelings like compassion and love help the body stay calm, focused, and healthy, while feelings like shame or fear can make the body stressed and shut down. Friends with lower energy states could be called "energy vampires".  Notice all the energy states below 150. These energy states we often call "red brain" states here at Character Skool. They can rub off on you if you surround yourself with them, and absorb them.

As friendship builders, let's remember this scientific research:

• Research shows moods, like happiness or depression, can spread through friend groups, impacting your own feelings and energy levels.

• Friends' attitudes and actions, positive or negative, can rub off on you, affecting your character and choices.

• Positive social interactions release feel-good chemicals, reducing stress and increasing feelings of connection, while negative ones can trigger stress responses. 

You might not be aware, but you're similar to a chameleon. You tend to adopt the attitudes, opinions, and behaviors of the people you choose to surround yourself with. If you associate with successful and positive individuals, you'll begin to emulate them. Conversely, if you spend time with negative, underachieving people, you'll start to resemble them. Therefore, choose your friends carefully. Be okay with quality over quantity.

You are the average of the 5 people you spend the most time with. -Jim Rohn

Research: Bodily map of emotions (Nummenmaa et al., 2014)

Scientists wanted to know if feelings show up in the body, not just in the mind.

They asked many people from different countries to think about different feelings, like happiness, sadness, anger, fear, and love. Each person was shown a picture of a human body on a computer and asked to color the parts of the body where they felt the emotion:

• Warm colors meant more feeling

• Cool colors meant less feeling

The scientists put all the pictures together and looked for patterns. They found that people colored the same body areas for the same emotions, even if they lived in different places. This showed that:

• Emotions affect the brain and body together

• Feelings like love and happiness light up more of the body

• Feelings like sadness or fear make the body feel slower or tighter

It is so useful to see the energy states that are in everyone around you. Pay attention to your energy state. If you feel like you absorb the energy of other people easily, try to find uplifting people to surround yourself with.

If you find a friend is in a low mood or energy state, you can hold empathy, kindness, and compassion. There is a different energy frequency for compassion (380) than there is for one of sadness and grief (75). But if you find yourself absorbing lower energy states, or if you are easily influenced by the likes and dislikes of others, you might match their energy state more often than not. Try not to be controlled by the likes and dislikes of others. People will respect you for holding your space, holding your values, and standing up for your morals.

By choosing to surround yourself with friends that have the same values as you do, you will naturally radiate more together. Many of your relationships change because the people in your life are not always as eager to give up their pity parties and their victim experience. We can think "I guess that person wants more of that experience. I am here for them when they are ready to change it." By choosing friends that radiate higher frequency emotions, you are choosing that for yourselves.

Friendship Tip # 5: Find balance with renewal zones

If you desire to be influential or friendly, remember that sometimes you need to find balance in how you allocate your time. Look at how much time you are spending with friends, verses spending time with your families, school, scriptures, and hobbies. Humans can not always be high energy. We are here to bless, not to impress. In order to do so, you need to have time away from friends to recharge. Have you ever counted how many times Jesus left his disciples and went away in nature to be alone?

You will attract more friends if you can show up with positive energy. That can not happen if you are always with your friends. Sometimes less is more. We all need time to reflect, reframe, and balance our energy states.

Tony Schwartz, the founder and president of The Energy Project, sheds light on a critical issue in his book, The Way We’re Working Isn’t Working. In it, he argues:

“The way we’re working isn’t working—for us, for our employees, or for our families. It’s not the number of hours we work that determines the value we create. Rather, it’s the quality and quantity of energy we bring to our work, no matter how many hours we put in.”

Schwartz's message is clear: we are not machines capable of functioning continuously at a consistent level. As humans, our energy levels vary and fluctuate throughout the day, week, and year. There are natural cycles—times of high energy and productivity, and times when we need to recharge and rest.

We all need to visit the renewal zone. The renewal zone for me is exercise in nature, time in scriptures, walks with family, and no-phone moments. There has never been a time of more loneliness and more connection at the same time than right now in history. Just because you all can text each other constantly, doesn't mean you should. There is always a need for a renewal zone. Constant connection is dangerous. Track your time and see where you are spending it. Try and find balance between social, educational, physical, and spiritual focus.

The most beautiful discovery true friends make is that they can grow separately without growing apart. — Elisabeth Foley

Sometimes, the key to good friendships, is to have time apart. It gives you more to talk about and catch up on when you are back together. The moments become sweeter and more uplifting.

Friendship Tip # 6: Healthy people do not attack

The problem with modern life is we take the most vulnerable, insecure group in society (teenagers) & lock them up in a building all day called "school", and expect them to get along for seven hours a day. If you think about it, public school is actually a newer concept in history. It wasn't always like it is now. People had much more time to spend with adults anciently working the farms, socializing in family groups, traveling in caravans, and schooling under mentorships. Grandma was your wise and all-knowing teacher in the 18th century.

Because not everyone can homeschool or work in mentorships, we are left to do the best we can and work things out with the social webs around us in schools. Schools are full of color and emotion. Families are also colorful. We are all wise to remember that none of us will have perfect days or live our values perfectly or feel love all the time. We all get to experience a dose of rude, a whisper of mean, and a rumor of hurt. Our social webs are filled with people who all have hard lives and all have hard emotions. So when the moment comes, and you hear something that really hurts, just remember:

Healthy people do not attack.

Just hearing these words can help you release yourself from the victim mentality. Maybe they were just tired, or maybe they are really stressed, or maybe they are living in ego out of fear. Your favorite friends, the ones you call "your people", will be those who step out of ego as much as possible. But we all sometimes shrink into pride. You probably face this everyday. So choose your friends wisely, but no friend is ever perfect because none of us are. And when you feel hurt, just remember that healthy people do not attack. Keep this phrase in the back of your mind: This is not about you...this is about them. You just don't know what people are going through and you don't know what makes someone the way they are. Remembering this can keep you grounded in your judgments of others. It will either fuel you with compassion, or keep you out of dangerous friendships.

Sometimes all two friends need is a little time and space. It is very possible to feel so angry in a moment with someone you care about, sleep on it, and not feel that anger the next day. A friend can offend you, creating thoughts in your brain that make you feel hurt, but it is also possible to let it go before acting out on it or feeling like you are ready to attack. This is a good time for removing yourself away for a moment. Emotions, are just chemicals moving through your body. Emotions are useful, but they don't need to stay and take up the guest room for long.

The key scientific finding:

The physiological response of an emotion lasts about 60–90 seconds. This idea is widely referenced in neuroscience and psychology (often attributed to research summarized by Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor and others). The chemical surge triggered by an emotion naturally clears from the bloodstream in about 1–1.5 minutes. After that, the body returns to baseline unless something keeps re-triggering it. "This feeling won't last" is a healthy motto to keep in your distress. You can give yourself some time to feel what you feel, and think what you think, but there is so much room for forgiveness and change in your heart if you just give yourself the perspective that what you feel will go away and can go away. Just remember that you can not fight fire with fire. There are moments when you just need a little alone time. All of us have unhealthy moments and we all need to put ourselves in "time out" once in a while. When it comes to a negative emotion, you can choose whether to:

• Feed it with thought

• Interrupt it with breath

• Allow it to pass

Watch how these boys use this friendship tip:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QxQoT1CAGHA

Sometimes you just need a good night's rest and so does your friend, because healthy people do not attack. Write your rough moments in the sand. Write your good ones in rock.

Friendship Tip # 7: Step out of ego

We can not win friends and influence people, if we are trying to be above someone. What is ego? A person's sense of self-importance. It dangerously can lead to pride.

The proud depend on the world to tell them whether they have value or not. Their self-esteem is determined by where they are judged to be on the ladders of wordly success. They feel worthwhile as individuals if the numbers beneath them in achievement, talent, beauty, or intellect are large enough. Pride is ugly. It says, "If you are succeeding, I am a failure. - E. T. Benson

When we start focusing on winning, we open the door to worrying about losing. Our motivation switches from a process, task-oriented nature to an outcome, ego-oriented nature. We are setting objectives over which we don't have direct control. This can increase perceived failures, leading to less time and effort participating in that skill. - Craig Manning

Confidence is an "I am good" approach with out any comparison to others, just a belief in oneself. Arrogance is an "I am good...you stink" approach. Arrogance is dependent upon comparison to another. - Craig Manning

Our ego likes to compare. Some comparisons are healthy and natural. It's okay to compare yourself and think, "I want to be more like that person," when you see someone pushing their grandma in a wheelchair to the grocery store. That is a healthy type of comparison. Someone who radiates good values is there for us to learn from. It is not okay to compare, and think "I wished I looked like her" or "I wish I had his personality" if you are in a "social climber," ego-mindset. If you are trying to climb the ranks of worldly success, it actually turns out to be a lonely road. Jesus once said that the hardest weakness for humans to overcome is the desire for honor or wordly praise. Our ego side is selfish, and we all have it. We have to recognize that we have this side of ourselves, and try to escape it by recognizing what pride is and become it's opposite. One of the greatest temptations for mankind is attention. The kind where you need praise to build you up, because you block the love of God deep in your hearts. The opposite of pride is humility and humble people are more concerend with what God thinks of them than others. They don't worry where they stand on the social ladder. Compare yourself with the desire to progress, not the desire to impress. Noticing your heartfelt desires helps you see if you are in ego or not. If you want to stay out of ego and have a growth mindset we have a classroom that helps you recognize what ego feels like here. True friendships are not developed in ego.

If you are comparing in a way that you feel inspired to become a higher version of yourself, than DARE TO COMPARE. You can stay out of ego and learn from others at the same time. You can be a winning athlete with out depending on that win for your self-esteem. Stay coachable no matter your score card. Your confidence should always be based off your true identity and how well you choose to care about others more than your sense of ego.

You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.— Dale Carnegie

We are all strong in something. We are all weak in something. We all have unique gifts. We are all here to bless...not to impress. We discuss finding your unique gifts to share with the world in this classroom here.

My dear friend who is a master coach for high performance players teaches this concept of showing up powerfully in our life. She teaches that power is choice, agency, love, clarity, freewill, understanding, empathy, and speaking the truth. Non-power is judgment, shame, guilt, blame, making up excuses, telling white lies, and staying in a victim mentality. She said, "there is an opportunity for you to step into your power. Power where people can say whatever they want about you but it doesn't hurt you. It doesn't touch you and it deflects off of you because you have full clarity and understanding of who you are." This kind of power naturally attracts the kind of friends you want to have. This power is accessed by simply becoming intentional about wanting to be there.

Each of us possesses two identities. Our genuine identity holds immeasurable value, created by God, meant to become like Him, and required to come to earth to obtain a body.

Once on earth, we received our body. We must learn to overcome the second identity we gain on Earth, the natural man, the part of us that leans towards our ego-state, the one that repeats the same thoughts like a broken record and transforms doubt into belief. Therefore, embrace your true identity, live with strength, and adjust your course when you, as you inevitably will, revert to your ego.

“You must come to believe about yourself what Jesus believed about himself” - Eric Butterworth

The more we understand the concepts of Jesus, the more we realize that the only time we can truthfully say, ‘That’s just the way I am,’ is when we are referring to the divinity within us.  You have a great potentiality, a divine self within you that needs to be released.  This is what Jesus really taught.  - Eric Butterworth

M. Catherine Thomas taught in her book A Light in The Wilderness: “We are likely not aware of thoughts entering from outside ourself or that they shape our interpretations of events or other people...This body of thoughts belongs to what we might call the world mind, which is just the natural man at large.  These mists of darkness that drift across our mental paths play mostly on our fear, which generates pride, coveting, criticism, depression, selfishness, hatred, power plays, and mental disturbance in general.” You step into your true identity when you block out the mind of the world.

You step into your true identity when you doubt your doubts.

According to an old Hindu legend:

“There was a time when all men were gods, but they so abused their divinity that Brahma, the chief god, decided to take it away from men and hide it where they would never again find it. Where to hide it became the big question.

When the lesser gods were called in council to consider this question, they said, ‘We will bury man’s divinity deep in the earth.’ But Brahma said, ‘No, that will not do, for man will dig deep down in the earth and find it.’ Then they said, ‘Well, we will sink his divinity into the deepest ocean.’ But again Brahma replied, ‘No, not there, for man will learn to dive into the deepest waters, will search out the ocean bed, and will find it.’

Then the lesser gods said, ‘We will take it to the top of the highest mountain and there hide it.’ But again Brahma replied, ‘No, for man will eventually climb every high mountain on earth. He will be sure some day to find it and take it up again for himself.’ Then the lesser gods gave up and concluded, ‘We do not know where to hide it, for it seems there is no place on earth or in the sea that man will not eventually reach.’

Then Brahma said, ‘Here is what we will do with man’s divinity. We will hide it deep down in man himself, for he will never think to look for it there.’ Ever since then, the legend concludes, man has been going up and down the earth, climbing, digging, diving, exploring, searching for something that is already in himself."

Two thousand years ago, God's son came to earth, named Jesus, who shared the secret; we can rise up with our bodies, and take on eternal soul, body and spirit combined, thanks to his divine resurrection. The Divinity in Man has been the best kept secret of the ages. "For man is spirit. The elements are eternal, and spirit and element inseparably connected, receive a fulness of joy; and when separated, man cannot receive a fulness of joy" as God teaches to a young man in revelation in DC 93:33-34. Satan does not want you to know who you are, and he does not want you to think that the light of Christ is deep inside you, and he certainly does not want you to know that the Spirit can guide you to living in a frequency that naturally attracts friends to you when you let the spiritual govern the physical.

Friendship Tip # 8: Words carry energy

The words you say to others and the words you say about yourselves, really matter. Every word you think carries an energy with it. It can destroy, or it can build. When words come out fast for you, then take the time to be self-aware of how it felt after you said it. What causes you to say things before thinking and what will that word mean to someone? Words build worlds. Words build faith. Words are your thoughts. Pay attention to the words you say. Build a library of power words. This is why reading can be so powerful as it builds your communication skills. If you walk into a room thinking, nobody will like me, you create an energy around yourself. If you walk into a room & you say to yourself, "I bring value to others around me", you will naturally attract people to you in that room. You can build an arsenol of power words that carry energy to your friends. How you communicate, and words you use to articulate yourself really matter. Building an arsenol of powerful words to remember at every hard moment will help you escape war, bring laughter, help people relax, and give you faith instead of fear. Throwing out the first thing that you think is not bridling your tongue or helping you build friendships. We all could use a little more pause before we speak, me included.

"Researchers have become very interested in the ratio of positive to negative communication that needs to be present in a marriage to keep it on a pathway to improvement and increased happiness. (J. Gottman and N. Silver, Why Marriages Succeed or Fail [New York: Simon and Schuster, 1994]). I believe that their findings apply to all family relationships and to those relationships that feel like family. The magic ratio the reseachers found was 5:1. That is, as long as there is at least five times more affection, humor, smiling, complimenting, agreement, empathy, and active, nondefensive listening than there is criticism and disagreement, your marriage and other relationships will prosper. So, what does the ratio in your home look like these days?" -Wendy Nelson

In the book How to Talk so Kids will Listen they point out communication "must-avoids" in order to engage cooperation: (I must confess, I am guilty of doing these...why I am listing them here so we can all work on it.)

As you can see, friendship building starts inside our homes. That is why we were put in families. So we can learn, forgive, and grow together.

The master teacher of how to communicate was Jesus Christ. He was faced with opposition at every turn, but he taught with power and he knew when to have boundaries and when to just listen. He cried, he yelled, he preached, he hugged, he blessed, and he even teased, but he somehow mastered communicating without making people feel shameful shrinking. He used the power of stories, that take the shame out of personal attack. Study him and you study how to become a friend.

"Think about this proverbial truth: As we think in our hearts, so are we. Does that thought about our thoughts catch your attention? When you consider the truth that everything you think is registered at the cellular- and at what could be called the "soul-ular" level, does it make you want to be a bit more careful about the thoughts you entertain? When you consider that you can actually raise or lower your blood pressure just by thinking certain thoughts, think about the effect thoughts might be having on your spirit. Overtime, we become more and more like the thoughts that fill our minds and stay in our hearts. If our thoughts are filled with light and truth, our very bodies will be filled with light and truth. If our thoughts are filled with darkness and lies, so will we be. We become our thoughts....Let's take it a step further. It's equally true that our thoughts about others influence them! In fact, we could say: As a man thinketh in his heart about his wife, so is she. As a woman thinketh in her heart about her son, so is he." - Wendy Watson Nelson

Friendship Tip # 9: Brave and bold invites build circles

The best remedy for loneliness is to face it head-on. When it comes to relationships with friends, you can never get anywhere sitting at home waiting for an invitation. Life will always be a matter of those that act and those that are acted upon. You must do the acting when it comes to building friendships. The key is to just invite someone over. Feeling lonely? Invite someone to do something! Feeling left out? Invite the group over that left you out! What is the worst thing that could happen....well...if they are healthy, they won't attack. They will accept your invite and you can start building a foundation with them! If they are rude, than they weren't worth your time anyway. The more you brave the frontier of inviting, the more friends you will have. Visit our classroom on overcoming fear here. Conquer your fear and invite someone over. The worst that can happen is they shut you down and say no. If they do, then they were never worth your time in the first place. Hurt people hurt others, and healthy people never attack. You can wait for invitations, or you can build your social web by facing your fear and becoming a gatherer. What is stopping you? Face your fears! Step into your power, and realize that it doesn't matter what they think, it only matters what God thinks.

That is the goal here at Charact Skool and we hope you visit more classrooms!